The Other Richmond

Hi All!!

I apologize to anyone that has been trying to figure out what dating antics I've been up to lately with my other partners in crime!!

My big news...I've moved to London!!

I will no longer be updating this particular blog, however, I have have started a new one to track all of my new international experiences.

Please keep in touch with me at http://vedervialondon.blogspot.com/

Thanks,
Tiffany

Ummm....Are you talking to me?

Is it possible that I have been benched for so long, that when I do actually get called upon to play in the game that I have forgotten how and am left to stand in the middle of the field by myself?

A couple days ago I was out and about doing a little Pre-turkey day grocery shopping. I was in line...the never ending line....just staring straight ahead...wish that I was anywhere else but standing behind the lady that smelled like she hadn't bathed since 1982 and watching as her monster children proceeded to pull all the magazines out of the rack and throw them on the ground....when I hear a voice from behind that says, 'Have you tried those before?'

Uh oh...like smelly lady and the devil brood aren't enough, this could get ever worse, I though, if I turn around, I could be caught in a conversation with some crazy guy that lasted until it was my turn...do I play deaf and act like I didn't hear? Maybe if I stand still he won't notice me...its like being on an airplane with a crazy salesman sitting next to you!!

'Have you tried those before?" a little louder now. Oh man, now I have to turn around!! He better not smell as bad as her, was my only thought...

'What?' I said in a slightly harried voice as to say, "What are you asking? I have 5 items in my basket and I'm not in the mood to discuss any of them." Granted, this totally sounds like I am a witch of the highest order, but trust me, I wasn't that short about it - and I didn't even roll my eyes as I turned around!!

And then I got a little look at him....It was one of those stare worthy moments....Like time might have stood still for a second or two...I didn't realize it was Greek God day at the Ukrops...I might have done my hair had I known!

"Have you tried those before?" and he points to my basket. "Which" I ask...for a Greek God he needed to learn specifics...the milk? yes - I've had that before? The wheat thins? I've maybe nibbled those before..."The sushi here." he says and nods to an identical package in his little basket.

"Oh, yeah - it's OK, kind of like getting a hamburger at McDonald's when you really wanted a great burger from a real place."

He laughed...oh my...was this gorgeous guy really laughing at something I said? He was totally out of my league! Why was he even talking to me? Shouldn't Ken have a Barbie next to him? I'm just Skipper...did he not get the memo?

"Yeah - that's what I was figuring, but I just had a craving for sushi and I haven't found a good place around here yet."

hmmm...I can make conversation....

"Oh, there are a few pretty good places around here." As I named a few places and locations, he kind of got a confused look in his eye....

"I just moved here a couple months ago. I basically know where my house is and where my office is and a few places in between."

"Been there, done that" Did I really just say that?!?!? "I moved here about 8 months ago and it took me awhile to get my bearings, too."

and then it began....the chit chat phase....this is a phase of conversation that only transplants know...a myriad of factoids that only a kindred transplant spirit would care about. Locals don't really care about where you came from or where you work, they know where all the good spots are and they don't feel the need to tell the new kids....only a fellow transplant can appreciate the effort it takes to find a good dry cleaner!

Anyway, we talked for a few minutes as the line progressed, then it was my turn and I fully admit - I dawdled a bit bagging my few items so that I could leave in relative proximity to him...nope - I'm not too proud to admit that. He was a nice guy, funny, smart, gainfully employed, his mother lived 300 miles away...these are great qualities...and I think I got a vibe from him...maybe.

So we walk out and as fate would have it, we had parked in the same aisle...this surely was a sign...how much would it take him to just say, would you like to go with me to one of those places you mentioned?

No - don't even think it - I am not asking him out, though - I put a few clues out there, he knows the plays from here...he's the guy!! He needs to ask first!...do not judge me...

"Enjoy your dinner. Hope you're able to find a couple good restaurants soon!" I say with a smile and a little laugh.

"Yeah - thanks for the suggestions...and the the dry cleaner!"

and then he got into his car...

WHAT?!?! I thought I got a vibe?!?! Was I totally wrong? Does Ken in fact have a Barbie waiting at the Barbie Mansion for him? Well, its a good thing I didn't ask him out, then!!

Whats the deal!?!? Have I been out of the flirting mode so long that I can't even distinguish the random conversations with strangers from actually flirting? Am I doomed to a fate of witty repartee with Greek Gods that end in my going home alone to a box of Cheerios?

For all you single girls...and you thought you had it bad....

I am not really a big forwarder of the emails by any means, but this little ditty came across my inbox recently and I though I needed to share...we all have bad first dates, but this one takes the cake....


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read this. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down" And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Are a few bad apples messing it up for the rest of us?

I was a bit enlightened the other day by a friend who had some views on my previous post about chivalry, and I now feel the need to let everyone know his thoughts, in an effort to help my cause and help reverse the bad name of chivalry.

His feelings are that chivalry isn't necessarily dead, but more to the fact, it is scared to show itself. He said that he doesn't mind opening doors, etc, but here in lays the rub...we won't let him. In the past, when he has been what I consider to be polite and considerate and opened doors, he gets 'the look.' The look that says, 'Huh? What are you doing? I can open my own door and pay my own bills! How dare you assume I can't!'

Is it possible that a few of the stalinesque feminazis have ruined it for the general female public? Is it possible that in an effort to be uber-independent, a few of the more adamant women have scared men out of being gentleman?

Is it possible that we, the modern women with a touch for tradition, are suffering because of a few bad apples...a few bad independent, proud, socially blind crazy women with a point to prove?

Now I am pissed....

Now I feel that I am not so much looking for just another great single guy, but I have to have brave one, too. I may have to put brave at the top of the list - it might just knock 'must have a sense of humor' into the number 2 slot!! I will have to reprioritize and add, 'A guy that can open a door, get 'the look' and think to himself, 'get over yourself - it's just a door...'' I say he must think this and not say it...that would be rude, and well, maybe harmful since some of those feminazis are buff and will take a poor guy out for a sarcastic comment like that...there is a fine like between brave and suicidal...

So here I am, back to square one with the original question...Why did chivalry die? Was it scared to death or did it just become obsolete?

Technology Does Not Override Chivalry

Tonight I'm straying a bit from my usual date specific details and am going to write a little bit more about something I look for overall in man. I have decided to delve a little deeper into the comments in my previous blog about chivalry.

OK, I'll just put it out there - my motto, my personal requirement, if you will, is...'If they don't open the door, they're not the marrying kind.'

I think that its not too much to ask for a little chivalry here and there. I also don't think that thinking that to begin with takes away from my moderately feminist outlook. I think women should earn as much as men who are doing the same job. I think that some women can do anything that some men can do.

But here is where I get realistic...

I won't ever be able to reach the top shelf of my kitchen cabinets, so its nice to have tall guys around. I will never be able to open jars of pickles, so its nice to have strong guys around. I don't mind paying my way, and I don't mind taking out the trash.

But here is where I get all girlie...

I like it when they at least offer to pick up the check. I like it when a guy just looks at you with that machismo look, flexes his muscles and opens the pickle jar. I like it when they offer to do anything for me that makes my life or my day a little easier.

And above all...without a doubt....I like it when they open the door for me.

I think its nice when men still open the door for me...the few that still do that is. I like it when a guy opens the door and then places his hand on the small of my back to lead me into the room. Although, admittedly, it has been awhile since I've been led into a room. I love that little moment as I settle into the passenger seat and we briefly look into each other's eyes and he has that lopsided grin as he nods and mumbles almost as an afterthought, 'OK?' Then he shuts the door and I get to just watch him for a few uninterrupted seconds as he walks around the car....and no, not watch him in a stalker kind of way, but a 'he's such a great guy, I'm glad we're together' kind of way.

But here's the thing...now that doors open automatically, there's no chance for this to happen!! Why bother to open my car door when a little push of the button while we're 30 feet from the car gets the job done?

When did all of these little moments go out of style? Was it when Gloria Steinem and her masses of feminist followers began burning their bras? Was it when women started hitting the work force in droves? Was it when women started gaining their independence?

Was this when men decided, by some unspoken understanding amongst themselves, that if we women could open doors for ourselves metaphorically, then we could certainly open them for ourselves physically?

Or was the decline in chivalry a direct result of the rise in technological advances?

I refuse to believe - or allow - technology to steal these little moments from me!! I refuse to settle for someone that hits the car door button and settles into his seat without a thought to me. I will not end up with someone that, in his excessive use of the automatic doors, forgets how to lead me into a room.

Where will this madness end? Will they soon start sealing pickle jars less tightly so that I can open them myself? Will I have to start dragging the dining room chair over every time I need to get something from the top shelf? Granted, these are things that can be done, but I don't want them done!!

I want those little reminders that I am a woman and they are the man...a reminder that there will always be something that I need from them, there will always be some little way that they can help me out, show me respect, and treat me well. Most of all, its a little reminder that I have someone to help me out, even when I could do it myself, even when I don't ask for it, but might need it.

In the end, isn't that what we all want anyway? Just a little reminder here and there that we aren't alone, that someone is there caring enough for us to do the little things like open a door. I think its because I know that the ones that care enough to do the little things in those small moments are the ones that are strong enough to be there for me when the big moments seem like a little too much to handle on my own.

Is 40 the new 30?

Alright, I'll just put it out there, I'm 30...30 and happy, 30 and single, 30 and at the best place I've ever been in my life!!!

I remember being 25 though, and thinking that 30 was old, that 30 and single was ranked right up there with horrific deaths and incurable disease. I remember thinking that dating a guy who was 30 was akin to an Anna Nicole move.

But now I am 30, and 30 is no longer a taboo thing for me. The new taboo is 40....

So here I am - at 30 - out and about trying my best to date. And the only problem? The only single guys I seem to come across are 40+. Now, I'm not saying anything is wrong with 40+, I'm sure in 10 years, I will love 40+. Right now though, it just doesn't fly...

The gap between 30 and 40 is pretty significant. Its the 'closer to retirement than not' stage, its the 'setting down and knees cracking' stage, its the 'lets stay in tonight because I want to watch the Headliners and Legends on MSNBC not PrimeTime on NBC, which is at 10, so I can't stay up that late' phase. At 30, you can still make a few mistakes and have time to fix them, you can take a few risks and have time to sink or swim and handle either outcome. 30 still has a few big lessons to learn and a few great experiences to live. 40 is settled and has less room for risk and error. I'll appreciate these differences later - when I'm 40, I might even be ticked at myself for thinking these things 10 years from now. But I do think them now, and I want someone that wants to have the great experiences and take a few risks. I'm not ready to be with someone that tells me not to do these things because they know better from personal experience.

I realize that this sounds like the same rantings a teenager might have to their parents, but it holds true none the less, and maybe illustrates the point all the more. I'm still young and I like it that way.

The solutions sounds easy then, right? Date someone my own age that has these same wants as well....if only it was that simple!!!

How is it that I seem to be stuck in this time warp with a 10 year age difference between me and single male population of Richmond? Do these guys hit 30 and then sign away their freedom to hide in a hole for 10 years only to come out and hit the dating scene at 40 and expect every sweet (for the most part) young thing to look their way? Wow - that somehow sounded like something my grandmother would say...I will have to ponder that little Pandora's box later.

What's the deal? I've tried it, tried to be the younger woman on some middle aged man's old arm. Sometimes its OK, sometimes not so much. Granted, the older - we'll call them mature - men get the hint. They open the doors, they pull out chairs, they know how to order for you without making it seem like they are. This art of chivalry is becoming extinct (this I might need to ponder more on as well). For that reason alone I like the idea of the age gap. Granted, for some the only reason they have manners is because they still live with their mother and these mothers are sticklers for good manners. These are the ones to stay away from...far far away from...

In any case, though - WHERE THE HELL ARE THE 30 YEAR OLD MEN? If they are 30 and living in Richmond, VA, they fit into one of the following categories:

A. Married and blissfully happy. These are the guys that are all around the office, at the grocery store, at the cleaners. They give you a nod and a small smile and make some small instinctual movement that allows their wedding ring to catch the light - not in order to say, 'back off!!' but to intone that the ring is there for a reason and I like it that way.

B. Married and miserable. These are the guys that are at the bars, bookstores, and malls. They are on the prowl for someone, anyone, that will make them forget, if only for a few minutes, that they are a few minutes from heading home to a wife and a life that they didn't bargain for and don't want anymore, but are so maxed out on their credit cards from trying to purchase a happy life, that they can not afford the divorce attorney.

C. Divorced with baggage. We're not talking a little heartbreak baggage either, here. We are talking - soul custody of the kids, wife walked out on them all (probably for a guy mentioned in B above), living in a house they can't unload or afford anymore, and feel that its every woman's fault in some way or another.

D. oh, wait....there is no other option, if they were single and decent at 30, they are in that hole somewhere until they hit 40...

So here I am, at 30, dating in a limited pool. My 2 options - a baggage ridden, house poor, misogynistic guy who is out dating only to show the ex that he will be the first to rebound, or Mr. 40.

What is a girl at 30 to do?!?!

Dating Rule el Numero Uno....Humility.

Well, it seems that we might have been thinking a bit much of ourselves with regards to our speed dating results...

The other day, L called to tell us that she had input her results and that 7 of the 11 men had responded that they wanted to talk more with her. However, as the average age difference is almost 20 years, she has decided that her speed dating days are done for this round. So, taking this amount of respondents as a good sign, I decided to input my results as well, I selected 4 men that I thought it might be interesting to talk further with. The response? One 1 guy responded that he wanted to talk to me further - Adam, the freak chef and self described perfect man (in not to many words).

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

What is so wrong with me that a 44 year old mom that likes living with his mother wouldn't want to talk more with me?!!?!? What is so wrong with me that a guy who works in a meat packing plant doesn't think I'm a catch?!?! I realize that I am making sweeping negative generalizations regarding these men at this point, but I don't care so much at the moment. Its like those celebrities hat say, "Its just an honor to be nominated" No it isn't! They want to win! Who are they trying to kid?!?! Dating is the same way. It would be nice to have them respond, then I can tell them no. I like the upper hand and I'm not too vain to admit that in this case. My sister and sometimes overall life coach, has advised me that it is fine that none of them responded - I didn't want them anyway. This is not how I feel, though.

In the meantime, H has also responded with her answers and has the exact same results as myself. Can this be right? 2 gainfully employed, not unattractive, funny, obviously single women have a success rate of under 10%?!?! How can this be?

Fast forward 3 days... I have now gotten emails from 2 of the guys - John, the Wachovia securities guy and Joe, the nice outdoorsy guy. H has also gotten an email from Wachovia John as well.

I'm not sure about H, as I haven't discussed this with her, but I know, that for myself, I am a bit relieved by the responses. I am somehow validated that I am a good catch. How wrong is my thinking?!?! I am that girl - the one that always says I don't need a man to determine my self-worth, that I don't need a man to make me feel whole. Have I just been lying to myself all this time? Have I been deluding myself that I am this progressive, independent, emotionally mature, and logical woman, when, in reality, I am no different from a 16 year old high school girl?

How did this happen? How have I let myself fall into this self destructive way of thinking? Am I the only one that has fooled myself for so long? I think not, I think that I must be one of millions. Millions of women that buy the relationship advice and self help books, that hit the psychiatrist couches in droves, that date to define themselves? Are we all a bit like that in some way or another? I think so, I think that might be why I tried speed dating to begin with - so that 11 strangers could tell me that I was good enough to date. So that I could tell 11 strangers that I was better than that, than them.

In the end, all I really proved was that I myself need to be better than I am.