Are a few bad apples messing it up for the rest of us?

I was a bit enlightened the other day by a friend who had some views on my previous post about chivalry, and I now feel the need to let everyone know his thoughts, in an effort to help my cause and help reverse the bad name of chivalry.

His feelings are that chivalry isn't necessarily dead, but more to the fact, it is scared to show itself. He said that he doesn't mind opening doors, etc, but here in lays the rub...we won't let him. In the past, when he has been what I consider to be polite and considerate and opened doors, he gets 'the look.' The look that says, 'Huh? What are you doing? I can open my own door and pay my own bills! How dare you assume I can't!'

Is it possible that a few of the stalinesque feminazis have ruined it for the general female public? Is it possible that in an effort to be uber-independent, a few of the more adamant women have scared men out of being gentleman?

Is it possible that we, the modern women with a touch for tradition, are suffering because of a few bad apples...a few bad independent, proud, socially blind crazy women with a point to prove?

Now I am pissed....

Now I feel that I am not so much looking for just another great single guy, but I have to have brave one, too. I may have to put brave at the top of the list - it might just knock 'must have a sense of humor' into the number 2 slot!! I will have to reprioritize and add, 'A guy that can open a door, get 'the look' and think to himself, 'get over yourself - it's just a door...'' I say he must think this and not say it...that would be rude, and well, maybe harmful since some of those feminazis are buff and will take a poor guy out for a sarcastic comment like that...there is a fine like between brave and suicidal...

So here I am, back to square one with the original question...Why did chivalry die? Was it scared to death or did it just become obsolete?

Technology Does Not Override Chivalry

Tonight I'm straying a bit from my usual date specific details and am going to write a little bit more about something I look for overall in man. I have decided to delve a little deeper into the comments in my previous blog about chivalry.

OK, I'll just put it out there - my motto, my personal requirement, if you will, is...'If they don't open the door, they're not the marrying kind.'

I think that its not too much to ask for a little chivalry here and there. I also don't think that thinking that to begin with takes away from my moderately feminist outlook. I think women should earn as much as men who are doing the same job. I think that some women can do anything that some men can do.

But here is where I get realistic...

I won't ever be able to reach the top shelf of my kitchen cabinets, so its nice to have tall guys around. I will never be able to open jars of pickles, so its nice to have strong guys around. I don't mind paying my way, and I don't mind taking out the trash.

But here is where I get all girlie...

I like it when they at least offer to pick up the check. I like it when a guy just looks at you with that machismo look, flexes his muscles and opens the pickle jar. I like it when they offer to do anything for me that makes my life or my day a little easier.

And above all...without a doubt....I like it when they open the door for me.

I think its nice when men still open the door for me...the few that still do that is. I like it when a guy opens the door and then places his hand on the small of my back to lead me into the room. Although, admittedly, it has been awhile since I've been led into a room. I love that little moment as I settle into the passenger seat and we briefly look into each other's eyes and he has that lopsided grin as he nods and mumbles almost as an afterthought, 'OK?' Then he shuts the door and I get to just watch him for a few uninterrupted seconds as he walks around the car....and no, not watch him in a stalker kind of way, but a 'he's such a great guy, I'm glad we're together' kind of way.

But here's the thing...now that doors open automatically, there's no chance for this to happen!! Why bother to open my car door when a little push of the button while we're 30 feet from the car gets the job done?

When did all of these little moments go out of style? Was it when Gloria Steinem and her masses of feminist followers began burning their bras? Was it when women started hitting the work force in droves? Was it when women started gaining their independence?

Was this when men decided, by some unspoken understanding amongst themselves, that if we women could open doors for ourselves metaphorically, then we could certainly open them for ourselves physically?

Or was the decline in chivalry a direct result of the rise in technological advances?

I refuse to believe - or allow - technology to steal these little moments from me!! I refuse to settle for someone that hits the car door button and settles into his seat without a thought to me. I will not end up with someone that, in his excessive use of the automatic doors, forgets how to lead me into a room.

Where will this madness end? Will they soon start sealing pickle jars less tightly so that I can open them myself? Will I have to start dragging the dining room chair over every time I need to get something from the top shelf? Granted, these are things that can be done, but I don't want them done!!

I want those little reminders that I am a woman and they are the man...a reminder that there will always be something that I need from them, there will always be some little way that they can help me out, show me respect, and treat me well. Most of all, its a little reminder that I have someone to help me out, even when I could do it myself, even when I don't ask for it, but might need it.

In the end, isn't that what we all want anyway? Just a little reminder here and there that we aren't alone, that someone is there caring enough for us to do the little things like open a door. I think its because I know that the ones that care enough to do the little things in those small moments are the ones that are strong enough to be there for me when the big moments seem like a little too much to handle on my own.

Is 40 the new 30?

Alright, I'll just put it out there, I'm 30...30 and happy, 30 and single, 30 and at the best place I've ever been in my life!!!

I remember being 25 though, and thinking that 30 was old, that 30 and single was ranked right up there with horrific deaths and incurable disease. I remember thinking that dating a guy who was 30 was akin to an Anna Nicole move.

But now I am 30, and 30 is no longer a taboo thing for me. The new taboo is 40....

So here I am - at 30 - out and about trying my best to date. And the only problem? The only single guys I seem to come across are 40+. Now, I'm not saying anything is wrong with 40+, I'm sure in 10 years, I will love 40+. Right now though, it just doesn't fly...

The gap between 30 and 40 is pretty significant. Its the 'closer to retirement than not' stage, its the 'setting down and knees cracking' stage, its the 'lets stay in tonight because I want to watch the Headliners and Legends on MSNBC not PrimeTime on NBC, which is at 10, so I can't stay up that late' phase. At 30, you can still make a few mistakes and have time to fix them, you can take a few risks and have time to sink or swim and handle either outcome. 30 still has a few big lessons to learn and a few great experiences to live. 40 is settled and has less room for risk and error. I'll appreciate these differences later - when I'm 40, I might even be ticked at myself for thinking these things 10 years from now. But I do think them now, and I want someone that wants to have the great experiences and take a few risks. I'm not ready to be with someone that tells me not to do these things because they know better from personal experience.

I realize that this sounds like the same rantings a teenager might have to their parents, but it holds true none the less, and maybe illustrates the point all the more. I'm still young and I like it that way.

The solutions sounds easy then, right? Date someone my own age that has these same wants as well....if only it was that simple!!!

How is it that I seem to be stuck in this time warp with a 10 year age difference between me and single male population of Richmond? Do these guys hit 30 and then sign away their freedom to hide in a hole for 10 years only to come out and hit the dating scene at 40 and expect every sweet (for the most part) young thing to look their way? Wow - that somehow sounded like something my grandmother would say...I will have to ponder that little Pandora's box later.

What's the deal? I've tried it, tried to be the younger woman on some middle aged man's old arm. Sometimes its OK, sometimes not so much. Granted, the older - we'll call them mature - men get the hint. They open the doors, they pull out chairs, they know how to order for you without making it seem like they are. This art of chivalry is becoming extinct (this I might need to ponder more on as well). For that reason alone I like the idea of the age gap. Granted, for some the only reason they have manners is because they still live with their mother and these mothers are sticklers for good manners. These are the ones to stay away from...far far away from...

In any case, though - WHERE THE HELL ARE THE 30 YEAR OLD MEN? If they are 30 and living in Richmond, VA, they fit into one of the following categories:

A. Married and blissfully happy. These are the guys that are all around the office, at the grocery store, at the cleaners. They give you a nod and a small smile and make some small instinctual movement that allows their wedding ring to catch the light - not in order to say, 'back off!!' but to intone that the ring is there for a reason and I like it that way.

B. Married and miserable. These are the guys that are at the bars, bookstores, and malls. They are on the prowl for someone, anyone, that will make them forget, if only for a few minutes, that they are a few minutes from heading home to a wife and a life that they didn't bargain for and don't want anymore, but are so maxed out on their credit cards from trying to purchase a happy life, that they can not afford the divorce attorney.

C. Divorced with baggage. We're not talking a little heartbreak baggage either, here. We are talking - soul custody of the kids, wife walked out on them all (probably for a guy mentioned in B above), living in a house they can't unload or afford anymore, and feel that its every woman's fault in some way or another.

D. oh, wait....there is no other option, if they were single and decent at 30, they are in that hole somewhere until they hit 40...

So here I am, at 30, dating in a limited pool. My 2 options - a baggage ridden, house poor, misogynistic guy who is out dating only to show the ex that he will be the first to rebound, or Mr. 40.

What is a girl at 30 to do?!?!