Ummm....Are you talking to me?

Is it possible that I have been benched for so long, that when I do actually get called upon to play in the game that I have forgotten how and am left to stand in the middle of the field by myself?

A couple days ago I was out and about doing a little Pre-turkey day grocery shopping. I was in line...the never ending line....just staring straight ahead...wish that I was anywhere else but standing behind the lady that smelled like she hadn't bathed since 1982 and watching as her monster children proceeded to pull all the magazines out of the rack and throw them on the ground....when I hear a voice from behind that says, 'Have you tried those before?'

Uh oh...like smelly lady and the devil brood aren't enough, this could get ever worse, I though, if I turn around, I could be caught in a conversation with some crazy guy that lasted until it was my turn...do I play deaf and act like I didn't hear? Maybe if I stand still he won't notice me...its like being on an airplane with a crazy salesman sitting next to you!!

'Have you tried those before?" a little louder now. Oh man, now I have to turn around!! He better not smell as bad as her, was my only thought...

'What?' I said in a slightly harried voice as to say, "What are you asking? I have 5 items in my basket and I'm not in the mood to discuss any of them." Granted, this totally sounds like I am a witch of the highest order, but trust me, I wasn't that short about it - and I didn't even roll my eyes as I turned around!!

And then I got a little look at him....It was one of those stare worthy moments....Like time might have stood still for a second or two...I didn't realize it was Greek God day at the Ukrops...I might have done my hair had I known!

"Have you tried those before?" and he points to my basket. "Which" I ask...for a Greek God he needed to learn specifics...the milk? yes - I've had that before? The wheat thins? I've maybe nibbled those before..."The sushi here." he says and nods to an identical package in his little basket.

"Oh, yeah - it's OK, kind of like getting a hamburger at McDonald's when you really wanted a great burger from a real place."

He laughed...oh my...was this gorgeous guy really laughing at something I said? He was totally out of my league! Why was he even talking to me? Shouldn't Ken have a Barbie next to him? I'm just Skipper...did he not get the memo?

"Yeah - that's what I was figuring, but I just had a craving for sushi and I haven't found a good place around here yet."

hmmm...I can make conversation....

"Oh, there are a few pretty good places around here." As I named a few places and locations, he kind of got a confused look in his eye....

"I just moved here a couple months ago. I basically know where my house is and where my office is and a few places in between."

"Been there, done that" Did I really just say that?!?!? "I moved here about 8 months ago and it took me awhile to get my bearings, too."

and then it began....the chit chat phase....this is a phase of conversation that only transplants know...a myriad of factoids that only a kindred transplant spirit would care about. Locals don't really care about where you came from or where you work, they know where all the good spots are and they don't feel the need to tell the new kids....only a fellow transplant can appreciate the effort it takes to find a good dry cleaner!

Anyway, we talked for a few minutes as the line progressed, then it was my turn and I fully admit - I dawdled a bit bagging my few items so that I could leave in relative proximity to him...nope - I'm not too proud to admit that. He was a nice guy, funny, smart, gainfully employed, his mother lived 300 miles away...these are great qualities...and I think I got a vibe from him...maybe.

So we walk out and as fate would have it, we had parked in the same aisle...this surely was a sign...how much would it take him to just say, would you like to go with me to one of those places you mentioned?

No - don't even think it - I am not asking him out, though - I put a few clues out there, he knows the plays from here...he's the guy!! He needs to ask first!...do not judge me...

"Enjoy your dinner. Hope you're able to find a couple good restaurants soon!" I say with a smile and a little laugh.

"Yeah - thanks for the suggestions...and the the dry cleaner!"

and then he got into his car...

WHAT?!?! I thought I got a vibe?!?! Was I totally wrong? Does Ken in fact have a Barbie waiting at the Barbie Mansion for him? Well, its a good thing I didn't ask him out, then!!

Whats the deal!?!? Have I been out of the flirting mode so long that I can't even distinguish the random conversations with strangers from actually flirting? Am I doomed to a fate of witty repartee with Greek Gods that end in my going home alone to a box of Cheerios?

For all you single girls...and you thought you had it bad....

I am not really a big forwarder of the emails by any means, but this little ditty came across my inbox recently and I though I needed to share...we all have bad first dates, but this one takes the cake....


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read this. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down" And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.